January 2020
The beginning of a new decade makes me, and everyone I think, reflect on the past 10 years of their lives. On everything we’ve done, everything we’ve experienced, every stupid decision and every lesson learned. Everything we’ve gained and everything we lost… or in this case, almost lost.
Odd as it may sound, losing a sibling was never a far-off, unimaginable possibility for me. With two brothers in the military, it was a thought that always lurked the back of my mind. When they later came to live at home, I worried about them much less. Mostly because living with them again reminded me just how annoying older brothers can truly be. But also because I knew they were safe and I could check on them at any time by walking down the hall.
I remember being woken up by my mom on June 23 at 6 o’clock in the morning. She said Chris was in an accident and we had to go see him at the hospital. My mind went into medical mode (nurse here) and I began asking if he was conscious, if he was breathing on his own, if he only suffered minor injuries. The answers were all “No.”
My mom said it was bad, but I didn’t believe her until I saw him. Nothing could have prepared me for how he looked. The neck brace, swollen face, his bruised and bloodied body. It’s hard to describe how I felt in that moment. I was shocked mostly, and confused, like the ground had been stolen from underneath me. It felt like I was falling, and I couldn’t find anything to grab onto.
In the first few days, he was improving, and I chose not to be worried - because of course he would be fine. He’d had an accident, but he’d wake up, we’d walk out together, and we could go back to arguing about whose turn it was to clean the bathroom. Of course he would be okay. There was no other option for me.
It wasn’t until July 3rd that he quickly and unexpectedly went downhill. The fractured skull, brain bleed and swelling, pneumonia, sepsis, low blood pressure, kidney injury, blood clots; all of them individually could be life threatening. I’d seen patients die from one or two of these and Chris had them all. I spent 48 hours on edge, waiting for my phone to ring to receive the news that my brother had died. I expected it.
In those 48 hours my faith was tested more than it had ever been before. I didn’t understand why it had to be my brother and my family. I remember driving home from the hospital on July 4th, gripping the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turned white. I had to pull over because I couldn’t see through the tears. I was screaming and crying and begging God to spare my brother’s life. I promised to be nicer to him and to appreciate him more. I asked God to take anything else in my life, anything at all, just not my brother. God laid on my heart during this time a song that I heard and sung along to a hundred times before. The song, Even If by MercyMe. The song speaks of trusting in and praising God even when he doesn’t answer our prayers in the way or time frame that we want. During this time the song took on a new meaning for me. The chorus goes:
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't My hope is You alone
God spoke to me through these verses and made me understand that even though I felt like my prayers weren’t being answered or even heard, he saw my sorrow and he saw my hurt. He knew that my family and I were going “through the fire.” Even when it felt so hopeless, all was not lost. The song later goes:
You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days Jesus,
I will cling to You
Come what may
I realized that it was wrong of me to lose faith in God when he had been so faithful and good in all other aspects of my life. In every other hardship and trial I’d faced, I’d come out on the other side stronger and better off, even though when I was going through it I felt like I wouldn’t survive. In those times I clung to Jesus and trusted that all the pain had a purpose, and I would be okay. God was leading me to do the same thing with my brother. Even on the worst day of my life, I felt called to faith and I listened. When I did, I felt a peace like no other. A promise that, no matter what happened with my brother, it would all be to God’s glory.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)
The next day, July 5th, we received the news that he had improved a little bit. I remember describing it as “A 0.02% improvement,” but an improvement nonetheless. From that time onward, his improvement was slow but steady. Nine weeks later, Chris came home.
Looking back now, I see that the whole ordeal really was used for God’s glory. I have grown in my faith and lost a lot of my fears. I learned to trust God, always, and let go of many of my anxieties. I believe God’s promises for my life now more than ever, and continue to hold faith that even when I go through dark and confusing times there is a greater purpose for my life, a loving God who is still writing my story. In hindsight, I can see that my brother now has a miraculous testimony to God’s faithfulness and my family has grown much closer together. Furthermore, I’m happy to say that although my big brother lost a leg in the process, his humor is stronger than ever. According to Chris, “They said it would cost an arm and a leg, but I got it for half price.”